Apologies 050821
TW: Psychological, physical, emotional and sexual abuse and violence
Apologies (VII)
I am sorry For the way I push and pull Like the people I talk to are some toy on a string Keeping you at a distance Leaving you lost and confused Always spiraling and spinning out I am not sure what it is about you That brings every and all words out of me Like speaking a language before I could lose it Trying to spit out everything I could possibly say Speaking it all at once before it disappears Erasing my past with every word spoken Believing that perhaps if I say it all I can speak it into an oblivion Having each conversation become a ritual of sorts A way of cleansing myself of my twisted thoughts and habits Showing myself in a different light than I am used to Revealing just how fucked up I really am That is what scares me Letting others see how bad it is inside my own head Because when people see that, they run Fleeing and leaving out the door they just came through Fearing who I am and what I have Like mental illness is something you can catch Like the way I think and see things is unworldly and insane Leaving me misunderstood and unseen Wondering where this all came from in the first place Ending my monologue in a loss of words Like I had finally used them all Listed them all for your presence Exposing myself in a way that is much more revealing Showing my soul and my past As they intertwine and consume one another And to think, this is just your effect on me. But for it all, I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry.
